Mekong Red

Things are not going my way today.

Woke up having to rush to the train station today for a meeting with my dissertation advisor only to find out on the train that I had forgotten my USB with all my work and data needed for the meeting at home.

Then, at some point my thermos broke without me realising and I walked all the way back home from the train station, only realising that my bag had started dripping only steps away from my door.

I hurried inside, key still in the lock, only taking a momentary pause to take off my shoes and pulled my bag onto a small stool besides the fridge to take the thermos out and assess the damage.

Damn.

With haste, I took my laptop out, my book (The Woman in the Dunes), that I had only started reading the day before, and the book that my professor had given me to borrow and told me to be careful with as, per his words, they don't print it anymore.

Its not waterlogged I suppose. There definite is water however. I'm sure the content will be alright if only the pages slightly warped.

Moving on to my laptop, I picked it up and dribbles of water beaded off of its surface. Surely it'll be fine, right? As I grabbed a paper towel and wiped the water off, I seemingly couldn't get it dry.

the culprit (now a display item)

A small drop fell down and hit my sock, I moved the laptop closer to my face and saw it. Droplets of water coming out from the inside.

You know, me and water, we've got problems. First my house nearly gets flooded and now this? I can only laugh, and really, I laughed.

Despite all this happening, I really can't say I feel too down, honestly. Its a break in the monotony, something outside of regularly scheduled programming. Anything to stop the wallowing is a good.

I went to that dinner with my friend and her friends, and well, I think I've come to appreciate my own friends even more.

It wasn't the worst company I've ever had, I just feel like I did not click with these people, perhaps its a matter of our worlds being too far apart. Throughout the whole thing I felt like I was just going through the motion, the occasional smile and nod.

But I think the crux of the problem was that it was poisoned from the start, by making it a big thing in my mind, I viewed it as a chore rather than a chance to make connection which invariably clouded my perception going in.

Didn't help that the food wasn't all that either, but that's just life I suppose. Maybe If I got to know them more I would like them better but its a long life and you meet a lot of people, not everybody's gonna be an instant hit.

That dinner did lead to some reflecting a little more about my own friends and how I act around them. I've been opening up more to my friends in small ways and it really is cathartic. I mentioned offhand that I had been writing a bit and even the smallest positive response like: "Oh, that's cool." felt like I had taken a heavy load off of my shoulders.

Everything in life feels like a lull as I wait for university to be over and done with so that I can start living once more. I feel like right now I'm living life as if I'm trying to tie up as many loose ends as possible both mentally and materially. I'm attempting to resolve issues that previously I would have just accepted as the way things are and put myself into a better position so that I can weather a life post-education as best as I can because I know damn well I'm going to struggle a lot.

Because of this 'lull' though, I feel like my mental state is rapidly deteriorating, the compounding factors of my life are converging into one stress point and at many times throughout the day I feel like I'm held up by the smallest of tethers, stretched and frayed beyond imagination.

The seasons really do have quite the effect huh? I was happy last summer.

I made plans to go out to dinner for Lunar New Year tomorrow with a friend and her friends who I've never met before and I've been trying not to think about it too much because if I do I psyche myself into not wanting to go.

Typically what I usually do is either decline these invitations or accept them and make an excuse not to go at a socially acceptable time far before the actual event.

This year I'm trying to improve myself and say yes to more things that people invite me to and not back out to things that I've already somewhat committed to.

I'll probably enjoy my time and enjoy meeting new people but the thought of doing all that legwork of having to recalibrate my mind, flicking on the social switch, and locking in and doing all the 'where are you from?' and 'what course are you in?' rigmarole is passively causing mental damage to my brain.

While I write this, I'm currently thinking about it so I'm going to nip this in the bud and deal with it tomorrow when its too late to back out.

And so it goes, the first lecture of my last semester.

I think I'll save any big reflecting or introspection for when I'm actually done but I will say that, despite having lost all passion for the degree I am pursuing and feeling like I haven't accomplished as much as I could during my time here, I won't say that I regret it.

I've gained a lot of lived experiences that has changed me for the better that I don't think I would have were it not for uni.

Met up with my friends who I haven't seen in a few months, it seems we are fragmenting, what used to be a single row near the back of the lecture is now different tables across the halls and a group that walks in different paces and on different sides of the same pavement. That's life though, I guess, the natural course of things have run off and all the soot and sediment flows along with it, erosion is bound to happen.

It is tiring to me that every conversation becomes about the future and what not.

(cat i saw on the way home)

I am even more tired that it is me that steers the conversation in that way in the first place. As if this uncertainty I am in is reaching out and needs to know that I am not alone in this misery.

But everyone seems to have a plan, or at least, a better plan than I, with no plan at all.

I can wallow even further but so much of my time and energy has been eaten by this wallowing. All I can do is be, so I guess I will be.

I've wrote this post about 4 times, never making it past a second sentence.

After the exams life has been too mundane. Good, because I'm not as sad, bad because this mundanity has made me too complacent. My days are spent pushing things back because I have 'time'.

Today at the dead of night, a mouse chewed through a waterpipe in my kitchen. As of right now, water is spraying all through the kitchen while my father is struggling to turn the water off on this far-too-old council house of ours. Hours before that, David Lynch passed away.

I'm not sure anymore what is happening.

I guess I should help my dad now.

Things have taken a big turn for the worse.

Exam so bad, I had to go on a walk in the woods to ease my mind.

Trying something new :)

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This exam was a timed essay, 2 hours 30 minutes, 1500 word limit, I only got to about a thousand before I had sent it in.

*Note to self, do revise for the next one.

**Unless I did manage to do good in which case, keep on keeping on.

I haven't been outside in over a week or two so it was nice to finally get some nice and fresh air, though I definitely was not prepared for the condition of the ground while deep in the woods, my white asics most definitely hate me.

A large weight has been relieved off of my shoulders and now I can resume my life back to normal. Each time I have an exam, I halt everything and all my priorities streamline to whatever exam I have. I'd like to think that by doing this it means I work harder, but truthfully it just means I procrastinate even more.

Now that all this is over, I'd like to start writing, working on my website, and picking back all that I've dropped as a result of this goddamn exam.

Just one more semester...

As it turns out, getting more sleep, having some social interaction and not waking up and inundating myself with mindless slop from an algorithm designed to make me mad, does make me feel much better.

I'm very happy about this improvement in mood, because there was some point at 3 AM listening to The Thrill of Loneliness by Hana Stretton where I thought this might be forever, and that things could only get worse.

I won't say it can't, but today, things have gotten better.

I feel like a sims character, getting my sleep and social interaction bars filled, yet equally I feel as human as I have ever been.

I have been very busy this past week procrastinating revision for my exam on Monday and feeling guilty about not doing so.

Today I was down. Down in a way that I haven't been in a long time. I could feel the tenuous grasp on joy and happiness slip away from my hands. The more I though about exams, my future and life in general, compounded with lack of sleep, led me to a deep spiral where every little thing seemed to not go how it should, every slight infraction amplified, all the sadness but none of the joy.

I have an exam in a week yet I have done zero studying or revision. I cannot bring myself to do any studying or anything at all really. My final year, my most important year, and the year I care the least about.

Actually, I haven't done nothing, I've been keeping up with my physical journal and I have been drawing more so I suppose those are things, but I didn't study nor did I leave the house so the things that I wanted to do I ended up not doing out of laziness, and the things I can do very easily in the comfort of my room sat at my desk, I did do.

The clock has changed and the number at the end of the four digit year has changed, but I haven't. I suppose I should, especially because I want to change, but damn if it isn't just easy to relax and do nothing and do the easy thing. Not that studying or going outside is particularly hard for me, I'm just lazy.

How many times have I thought about how lazy I am, wrote about how lazy I am, and yet ultimately have done nothing about how lazy I am. And here I am, writing about writing about thinking about how lazy I am! I'm still lazy! Damn!

Something's gotta give, something has got to give.

In other news, this year, I decided I wanted to watch more movies since movies are something that I watch here and there but for the most part I rarely find myself as a moviegoer. In my efforts to diversify my media diet, for every week of the year I will watch at least one movie. Just a single one. To end off this first week, tomorrow I will watch The Long Goodbye. If I manage to keep this up for a few weeks I might make a whole page and a thing of it so look forward to that. Or don't... knowing me.

I's also snowing today, and its even started to settle! Of course, tomorrow all the snow will melt into a wet mulch of dirt and dust picked up by the thousands of steps and the streets and pavements will resemble any other wet London day, but at the very least for these very few hours late in the night, there is snow and it is beautiful.

I am writing this as a cascade of fireworks explode, heavy in the night sky. I looked out my window and though all my ears could hear were the dying throes of 2024, all I saw were rows of building complexes and council housing just like mine, darkness, if not the reflection of the lightbulb that hangs from the middle of my room.

2025 is a year that demands great changes by proxy of the many great events that are to occur, my graduation being one such event, and that if things do not change I can not imagine a world in which my existence is persistent. For the sake of clarity I am fine, in fact, my hph (happiness per hour) as of lately far outweighs my sph (sadness per hour). Despite this, I cannot shake this feeling that I must find some semblance of direction, drive and purpose in my life or I may forever be, cooked.

I'm happier more than I am sad, but this happiness, it is not real. It is not a happiness of fulfilled hopes and dreams, but a temporary placation. I do not want to discredit the importance of this happiness, but I long for a real happiness because I am slowly starting to feel as if this sadness, albeit rarer, is growing, and it is much more real than anything real about me.

This year, I want to be alive more. I want to put myself out there more, I want to write more, I want to draw more, I want to make more friends, I want to talk more with current friends, I want to go out more, I want to watch more movies, I want to read more books, I want more, I want more, I want more.

It's nearing 02:30 AM now, I suppose I should go to sleep. Ah! for 2025, I want more sleep too!