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31/03/25 - Its More Than Glaze
I know I said I'll be back in two weeks but I just came back from an Ichiko Aoba show and I have no one to talk to about this so here we are.
I first heard Ichiko Aoba in February 2020 when I randomly came across the album '0'. 2020 feels like a lifetime ago so I can't remember the exact details but what I do remember are the walks in the park in the hours between my next classes. I didn't make many friends in sixth form besides the ones I went to school with before and we all had different classes so often I spent my hours alone, wandering.
In sixth form they let you leave the confines of the school premises and I made sure to take full advantage of that during breaks. There was a park some 20 minutes away from the school that I spent my time at before COVID and when we got let back in during lockdown. At this park was a pond with a wooden walkway that went over it. It was here that Ichiko Aoba's voice echoes the loudest in my ears.
Fast forward to 2025 and here we are, my first ever live musical performance that I've gone by my own free will and by myself. For the longest time I never wanted to go to concerts or shows because they always felt incredibly daunting and to be honest they still do, but that is something I want to rectify this year.
I was lucky and the pre-orders for this show went live mid lecture, and this was early in the semester before I spent all my money on frivolous shit so I was thinking, if I'm going to see Ichiko Aoba, it better be good seats!
I must say, what an enchanting performance, Ichiko and the 12 ensemble did not disappoint, I felt like it was a good variety of her old songs and songs from the new album and each just as beautiful as the other.
That being said, I did end up getting a singular t-shirt at the merch store before the show started, I was planning on getting more but... I'm in the red now.
Okay, back to the dissertation, see ya.
25/03/25 - The Final Push
I've been busy with this dissertation so much so that this will be my last post for two weeks or so. I really need to get this over and done with so let it be that this will be the end of all distractions.
That being said, I didn't do anything all day. I had a data science workshop with my friend and we ended up just talking and messing around for 3 hours straight. Got some work done, but we mostly just did a whole lot of nothing, its the final two weeks, nobodies actually doing anything in lectures.
I had a meeting with my advisor after and I ended up getting stuck outside the door to the floor her office was in. I ended up waiting for 15 minutes before someone finally happened to exit and I rushed in only to be met with my advisor in a different meeting and having to wait for another 10 minutes. She was kind though so I guess it doesn't really matter.
Then, when I went home, I ate dinner and took a little nap. I've been napping a lot recently, I think ever since I set a permanent alarm at 9 am and most days I sleep at 3 or 4 am, after I get that final meal in me, my body just shuts down.
Its quite the dilemma because I like waking up at 9 am. I'd much rather sleep 6 hours at 3 amand wake up at 9 am than 8 hours at 3 am and wake up at 12 pm. Of course, the best scenario is I go to sleep at 1 am but lets be realistic here.
I've found that having a morning routine and waking up at the same time everyday just serves me a lot better in life than just waking up haphazardly and thumbing around for whatever moves me, at least when I know I'm going to wake up, make my bed, get myself ready for the day and make coffee, I feel like the structure, even small, makes me more productive.
That being said, for the past few days, I've focused myself entirely on this dissertation and dedicated every waking hour as much as I could to doing it, and now I've found that I've burnt out and can't even look at it, even though its due in 2 weeks or so.
2 weeks is a long time and I'm sure I can get it done, but its still just so damn long. I can't wait til this is all over, the things I have planned, the things I want to get up to. I say this every summer break but this will be the summer breaks to end all summer breaks... because it is also my last summer break but you know what I mean. I feel motivated for the things I'm planning to do and get done in the Summer but I have no motivation for the things I need to get done now. Ain't that a thing?
When this is all done, I'm planning to reward myself with a new fountain pen. The Pilot E95s, with an extra fine nib.
If you've looked it up, look, I know its expensive, but actually, for a gold nib fountain pen its actually pretty cheap. Besides, my student loan money will pay for this too. And many other things until the well runs out and I have to find a job, but for now, when I do get my final batch of the loan, I'm using it well. The thing about the student loan is that, sure, you're in debt, but (at least in England) nobody really pays it back fully, its just deducted from your salary, so if you think about it, its free money, just more tax! There is a demon inside my head and it wants to come out.
I'm tired of being broke and unemployed, I've got £17 in my bank account and no real way to get that money up without tapping into my meager reserves. There's no way I'm not hitting overdraft by the time I get my maintenance loan in May. At least with the maintenance loan, I won't be broke, I'll just be unemployed. Though £1k is becoming less and less in this economy.
I couldn't fathom spending anything more than £50 on anything when I was a kid and I hoarded any money that came to my possession as much as I could. I think there's still a couple 20s that I have hidden in old maths books. After my first job though, I spent my first pay check in a day and I learnt a valuable lesson of life. Obviously I learnt it, but have not been applying that knowledge, which is why I'm scrounging to keep my bank account a positive number.
If none of the internships I applied to pan out (they won't), I'll probably just look for any random job I can find before I go to Vietnam in January, but I also don't want to go to work too soon after uni, give me at least a month off before I go to slowly decay working. At the very least, any job would be better than my first job.
Let it be known that that first job you take during Christmas from indeed the same year after you finish playing Disco Elysium for the second time since launch, it will radicalise you in many, many ways. I didn't know it then, but when your manager introduces you to your coworkers at lunch and they say:
"We're like a family!"
Don't be surprised when they let you go a week before your contract ends. A miserable £6.45 an hour for back-breaking work... Never will I let myself be exploited like that ever again I tell myself. Alas we all live in this world, we all see reality. Avoid it as best as I can but, I won't get my hopes up.
Alright, well, see ya in two weeks.
19/03/25 - And so the Flowers Bloom Once More
Spring starts with beautiful sunny skies in this city of mine, so pretty and beautiful for a moment I forgot all about the dissertation that I have to do.
I had a presentation today for a module and we had to present a poster in a random group of three and I think we did pretty well and I think I did pretty well. All of my friends were in this module and as I went up to present each time I made eye contact with them I ended up having to hold in laughter so most of the entire presentation I just looked at the poster and stared at the professor. The actual presentation went well though, it was only a minute of presenting and I answered the questions well so I'll take it indeed.
Everybody was in good moods today. It was a fun day, even if after I went home I didn't do a single thing or work on my dissertation. The Sun really does bring out joy in people.
19/03/25 - Reminisce
There's been a lot of reminiscing lately. In the group chat, looking at photos and videos of old trips, talking about first year and how bad third year is. Everybody's on the way out and yet nobody really wants to leave. Or at least, we want the good memories to stay.
In the spirit of reminiscing, I decided to read some old blog posts. I usually don't like to read journal entries because when it comes to intentioned writing, my feelings wax and wane and when at one moment I might like it, another moment I won't and decide to delete it. To stop myself from doing that, I don't read it at all, but I've been better recently, I've been trying to get into the mindset that well... quite frankly, its not that deep.
Blog posts are different though, I don't really put much thought or care into writing, at least not intentionally, I just don't read them because I write a lot and I don't find I get much out of reading them. But alas in a reminiscent mood, I read the posts in June and July and thought, is this really me?
This isn't even a year ago, but I feel like not only have I changed what I write, but also how I write and how I feel. Yet I also don't feel like I've gotten any better. Which is honestly disheartening
Some friends like to joke around and mention this "new me" and this "old me". I do play into it and I do also remember telling a friend that 2024 was the year I changed the most, but was it really that much?
Also, I really did just gloss over my mother nearly dying huh. I really remember that affecting me quite some bit, but I do remember feeling detached from reality. Sitting there in the waiting room, trying to envision how I might live my life without her, if the surgery failed, I could not fathom why I was so calm (part of which lead up to me writing the journal entry in October 2024). Instead however, I talked about Dragon Quest and FFXIV. Huh. (I still haven't finished Dragon Quest XI btw, I definitely gonna need to though, I just need time)
It didn't help that it was the fifth ever post of a blog that I've ever written so I guess that's something too. Thinking on it more, I don't know how much of it I would write if that happened right now.
18/03/25 - The Fall Off
I am starting to feel the consequences of my actions. Or rather, inaction.
This dissertation has a much greater scope than I thought before and as it turns out I really do need to lock in.
To put it into context, the deadline is on the 11th of April. In the introduction alone they expect 20-50 references. I have 0. In the Results section, they expect 5-15 figures. I have 2.
Everybody who I've spoken to has 4-6k words. I have less than 300.
I am the dictionary definition of washed, not even Icarus has fallen off as hard as I fell off. First year, I was a serious student! Second year, I wasn't as serious, but I maintained my grade. This third year, I experienced a big revelation, its not that I dislike Biology or anything, to be honest I still do like it, but I just cannot handle university anymore. University was everything to me, education was everything to me, a good degree at a good university to get a good job, that was the goal, but now I want more from life and that seemingly, is what melted my wax wings.
That isn't to say that working a job using my degree isn't a possibility its that before I was content with doing that, now I would only begrudgingly tolerate it.
The dangers of hope. How nice it would be to follow my dreams? But I wouldn't even know where to begin, how to start. By continuing with my previous path, I can slip right into the system with ease and live a normal life with a decent job and die happy and fulfilled but always regretting that I never tried to follow my dreams...
Forget it, I'll just work on my dissertation for now, I said I'd start a week ago, I've written only four words since.
17/03/25 - Final Dissertation Woes
I have been impotently unable to get started on my dissertation despite the deadline being less than a month away.
I open the word doc first thing in the morning and feel sated that at some point in the day, I thought of doing it.
Here we are in the final stretch of university and yet I seem unable to put the culmination of all my efforts into a singular piece of writing.
I just need to lock in, I just need to LOCK IN.
I can't focus. Sifting through thousands of articles on a topic I don't care about. I can't find myself caring about university anymore, the end is too near, my mind is too complacent. I won't let university make a Gregor Samsa out of me.
I'm on the precipice of the next stage of life, where things can get much better or much much worse, university is the last thing on my mind.
Why am I writing this when I should be writing my dissertation... whatever.
10/03/25 - I Don't Know Anymore
Did the interview. I really don't know what happened. On the first question they asked, my mind went blank and I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. Even more embarrassing, is they reassured me and told me to breathe.
Here's the rub. I don't think I have problems speaking. Nor is it even an issue with confidence (at least I'm pretty sure). I had notes prepared but when they asked the question, my mind which is usually always running (too much even), blanked. I stammered and couldn't think. At one point my cursor moused over the leave button on teams and I genuinely ran the computations in my mind of the pros and cons of leaving or staying. In the end I decided to stay and asked for a moment to breathe.
I think it being online made it worse, it sounds odd, I know, but in person, there is a confidence I have in myself and something about meeting other people in person cements them as fellow human beings in my mind, but online it creates this air of disconnectivity that removes them from that plane and into something else. As the interview went on I got better, I'd even say decently good, but the mishap at the start won't be forgotten I'm sure.
No amount of water could wet the barren dryness of my tongue and my lips.
Oh well. I didn't really want the job anyways. If this sounds like cope, its probably because it is, but really, I went in expecting to be failed before I even got to interview stage so its whatever.
08/03/25 - Doing Time at The Sing Sing Correctional Facility (University)
Watched Sing Sing, beautiful movie. Colman Domingo is really him but so was the rest of the cast, Clarence Maclin in particular's debut performance was just as great as Colmans.
I've slowly been working on my website with the small time in my day that I've gained alongside a journal entry that I wanted to get done for the last two months that I can finally make some head way on. Its not long, but that makes it even harder, every sentence I go back the next day and delete, and these past few weeks I've barely been able to write anything let alone anything with intention.
I've got a lot of ideas in my notebook or my notes app on the phone for journal entries or ideas for muse prompts that I've just not had the time to work on, or when I do I end up only working on it at night and then forgetting it the next day. In these last few months of uni I'd like to try and balance everything I do better so that I'm not scrambling to get something done all the time. That being said, I just spent the whole of yesterday doing nothing so its not going well.
On Monday I've got a interview for an internship I applied to that I really didn't expect (or to be really honest, want) to get. I guess I'll spend some time tomorrow preparing for that.
The more time passes the more it solidifies that I don't think I'd enjoy a job in STEM. That doesn't mean I wouldn't work in STEM if the money was good enough and I could actually get a job but, I know it in my mind.
I think if I lived a life that I didn't enjoy, I'd rather just die.
06/03/25 - After School; Before The Rat Race
The worst of the worst of school work is over for now (as long as I slowly work on my coursework and don't leave it til last minute again) and I finally have some breathing room to do things I enjoy.
I had a presentation about my dissertation yesterday, and although it was probably the worst one in the room, it was the best I've ever done so I really don't feel too bad. When I finished I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. No matter what grade I get, at least its over and done with.
I also managed to pick up a print of my universities creative media magazine. On the second page is my first ever piece of creative writing in physical form. What a thing, I rushed it and didn't like it for a while but reading it in my hands I think I didn't do too bad.
I can't wait for university to be over. Only a month left before I've finished my lectures. Of course there's still the end of semester exams but I've only got a few. I've been planning on what I'm going to do once this final semester is over. I don't know what the future holds for me and that scares me so I won't think about it. What I do know is that I won't be going postgrad any time soon, though I've been trying to noncommittally introduce the idea of not doing a masters to my parents. I'll do it if I need it for a job but I won't be happy I'll tell you that.
Nevertheless, at least for one year, I will be free. Maybe I'll take some painting lessons, I've always wanted to learn. Or maybe some piano lessons? With my first ever pay check I bought a Yamaha keyboard a few years back that's been collecting dust ever since I started university. Maybe I can try and hang out with my friends more, find a part-time job or get a good internship. I do have one plan solidified though, in 2026, for two months I'll be in Vietnam. It'll be the first time going by myself. Matter fact, it'll be the first time travelling by myself anywhere let alone in Vietnam.
I'm excited, I've been looking forward to the trip for a while now, truth be told, its the only goal I have right now. The future is much too uncertain for my liking, but what can you do.