mekong red.

Days are beginning to melt again and I want desperately to find something to do or to escape from my own body. Sometimes I day dream that I'm floating, detached from my skin looking at myself from above, my hands push back against the weightless air and hit the ceiling of my room. My body still in the chair, my self floating in the air.

Another day wasted doing nothing, I can't even draw or write properly, I think about writing and drawing every hour except when I actually try or have time to do it and all of a sudden, nothing.

I need inspiration, I need something to light the coals beneath me, a candlelight in the darkness, I'm in a rut and I don't know how to fix it.

A friend asked me about a birthday party. I wanted to go yet I still waited three days to answer him back. Well, at least I replied.

I went outside in the back garden with nothing but socks, sandals, shorts, a t-shirt and a track jacket on me and I ate an ice cream bar in the cold, taking in the fresh air and basking in the clouded Sun. I asked someone who I hadn't met in probably a year to get some coffee and I felt accomplished.

I also visited the log again. Less pretty and it was cold as hell but it was nice walking.

I feel bad every day but I never feel bad for long, after all lunch and dinner exists and my morning coffee always tastes great. Its all a cycle, all days are all the same again, again, again.

I'm not afraid of talking politics and current events but I try to keep the blog connected to myself and my life, but this first week of 2026 has been far too busy for me to keep complaining about myself without at least mentioning it in passing.

America is exerting its violent hegemony on the global south and the imperial boomerang continues its barrage on the mainland. The Hitlerite immigration gestapo continues to kill innocent people and if every single one of these hogs felt the fire and brimstone of hell it still wouldn't be enough.

Fireworks crackle off outside and my window is facing the exact opposite of where all the fireworks are. Unexpectedly I feel a whirl in my stomach writing this as the cascade sounds off, in these few minutes a slight mien of loneliness is dispersed in the air.

2025, what a year huh? For the past few months I've been feeling like my life has been pretty stagnant but now looking back quite a lot has happened. Still somewhat surreal that I no longer have another semester or any exams come January, but all of the stress remains only transformed into a greater shadow that hangs over my future.

Things I'd like to do in 2026 is to write more and draw more, I started taking art more seriously this year and its been a lot of fun. For Christmas my brother gifted me with a drawing tablet (after I asked for it) and while I'm still adjusting to it, I'm sure I'll get a lot of use out of it. Writing wise, I didn't write much this year besides blog posts and the occasional thing or two, but for 2026 I want to write at least 2 (two) short stories. I also have an essay(?) that I started writing that I'd probably get done by the end of January but who knows if I'll put it on this website.

Besides that, another goal is to reach out to more people, online or in person and make more human connections. I like talking to people, being around other people, the only difficulty is actually creating the impetus to meet and get to know people. I like my solitude a little too much and I figure I need to get out of my comfort zone more.

I also need to fix my sleep schedule. Badly.

Other minor resolutions are to read more, watch more movies and go to some art galleries or something.

A lot of this year was spent coming into grips that things have changed and I am still going through changes.

I for a long time, did not want to think any deeper about my identity and sense of self because I was afraid of what I'd find, but this year I began to think. I'm still figuring things out but I think I know myself better just a little bit more.

I spent yesterday doing every ADHD test under the Sun and every test saying high probability was very interesting, though the questions were mostly the same so what else should I expect. The only question is what to do next? I only really suspected it last year, before that I thought it was just immutably unique shortcomings I have, coincidentally since the suspicion began, people around me started bringing attention to it to. Or perhaps I never noticed or gave any credence to it beforehand.

2025 I know more of what I am, perhaps 2026 I will be.

Thanks to all who read this and here's to another.