mekong red.

Nearly three weeks since I came back from Vietnam and I have spent much of my time wasting it. In three weeks I had travelled across Vietnam, and in three weeks here, all my that time has amounted to is next to nothing.

In Vietnam I felt that I had overcome something great, yet here I feel like I had lost much of what I had gained and the worst habits I thought I had kicked in Vietnam, came back in full force back in London. I'm so tired of being lazy, but I'm too lazy to try to stop. I can manage small bursts of inspiration, insipid motivation to sate a desire to be more, to do more. I might draw on a single page of my sketchbook, write a couple lines of code or on my blog, peruse LinkedIn for jobs, but I can never truly focus on one singular thing at a time. Before long my mind wanders.

Too many distractions. The second monitor is a dangerous thing.

I am clawing back however, evidently if you see this, it means I had enough focus to sit down and write this for once, and recently I gave myself a quasi-schedule through a series of alarms on my phone. One great positive of Vietnam is that since coming back my usual wake up time is 6:30-7:00 AM, which I honestly think waking up in the morning does more for me than sleeping 8 hours of sleep. Of course I say that, but I think I would much rather prefer both. At 9 AM, 12 PM, and 5 PM a silent alarm goes off to start the day, to eat lunch, and to finish the day. Mostly I don't really follow it, but it does remind me that rather than scrolling or watching videos I should be doing something like say sending job applications, writing, drawing or just something that isn't feeding into my dying attention span. Most times I just keep doing nothing, but sometimes the guilt does force me to do some form of 'work'.

I wrote on a little piece of paper my current goals. Find a job, like a laboratory technician or a research assistant, for some experience and money and then 2027 pursue a masters. In what? Well, I've got a year to figure out.

Glad to finally write something after so long.