I feel more in control of my mind than I have ever felt before and its also been part of the reason why I haven't written anything in a few weeks. I want this time for it to be real. Not just something I say only then to revert back to misery. I wanted to know that really and truly this positivity in my mind could exist for more than a day, more than a week. 2 weeks is nothing, but there is a clarity in my thoughts that has sustained, I feel like I've overcome a barrier, in what way, and how big? I don't know, but I know I'm past it that's for sure.

Nothing has changed in the things I do or the things that happen to me, only the way I look at things has changed. The reason why I have been pushing myself to do more, pushing myself to be better, so quick and in so little time, is not out of a desire for real change but instead to avoid confronting the real change happening inside me. I haven't achieved absolute peace or anything, but what felt like a vicious effervescence in my brain has started to settle. Finally, just as summer is over, I have begun to appreciate life.

As to my real life, some things have changed, I recently cut my hair. Too much. I had been losing a lot of hair in the shower and I noticed a lot of split ends and tangles forming when I comb in the morning which is usually an indicator to me, that I should cut my hair. I haven't gone to a barber in over 5 years, before COVID I already hated going to the barber, but after I started growing my hair, I began cutting it on my own. You'd think, after 4 or so years of cutting it myself, I'd get better at it. I believe I've gotten worse.

The first snip, so nonchalant, so lackadaisical, when that strand fell to the floor my eyes widened and I verbally gasped. I spent the next two days attempting to tweak my hair before I shower, only to just give up and accept the damage. To be honest, cutting your own hair isn't that difficult, only the conditions that I'm working with make it ever the more harder. If you approach cutting hair like something that can be solved, it becomes much easier. Identify what wrong and once found, take the necessary steps needed to fix it. Only now, I have no idea how to fix it, and in doing so I find myself creating an entirely new problem and I don't want to spend another 30 minutes in the bathroom before I shower, and I'm definitely not going to dampen my hair mid-day just to cut it so I'm left fighting my own hair for the little time I have over these past few days- WOW! I AM UNEMPLOYED.

In other changes, in my attempts to reduce computer screen time I've started allocating an hours time from when I do my morning routine of coffee, my bedsheets, my bodily functions and hygiene. I then sit at my desk and I journal and then when I feel I've written enough, I read.

I've been reading The Name of The Rose by Umberto Eco and its honestly been really enjoyable as a mystery novel but its length is definitely felt for a guy like me. I've amortised some reading time by reading on the train on the few occasions I do leave the house. I want to get it over and done with by the end of September so I can finally start reading some new books, I always try and get at least one big book a year and I think this will be my one. Next year it'll either be War and Peace or Don Quixote, who knows maybe two, I am (hopefully) travelling so I'd like to get a lot of reading done in 2026. Anyways the next book I'm thinking has got to be a shorter one, maybe 200 pages or less. After that, non fiction for sure because I want to get smarter and know more, but I don't want it to be too long either. Jakarta Method?

Every time I finish a book, I feel my writing getting better. Even if I'm not actively writing, tacitly the words are written into my mind, remembered by my soul.

(APPENDAGE - As of midnight I have finished the book, great book, even if half of it related to historical contexts I didn't get and a deep knowledge of Christian theology I didn't have, or latin for that matter, nonetheless, it was a really great novel. Though, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone I know. I feel like my brain is just the right amount of broken to appreciate this book for what it is even with my limited knowledge whereas other people probably would have trouble unless they liked to research before they read.)

In the weeks since I last wrote, I also watched two movies after not watching any for a few months: Blue Giant (the movie adaptation of the Blue Giant manga), and Akira Kurosawa's High and Low.

Both two great movies, Blue Giant has a fantastic soundtrack, particularly if you like jazz and its composed by Hiromi, the contemporary Japanese jazz GOAT so you know its good. The story is adapted from the manga, and the manga is one of my favourites. The animation, though? When its good its GOOD, but I heard the studio faced some financial and temporal restraints of some sorts and you can tell. Not horribly bad though.

High and Low was amazing. I don't watch as many movies as I should and I know very little about cinematography, blocking and framing, and composition, but this movie is surely the pinnacle of all those. The tension it builds throughout the movie, the first half, the second half, the end, man what a damn movie. I feel like I'm spoiling myself watching so many good movies all at once, I really should watch some slop to balance it out.

The only update about the J-O-B word is that the search is still ongoing. If it ever comes to fruition i.e. money in my pocket, I will say. That is it.

I've started writing proper again. More than blogs, and more than just things, but fiction, stories, I still suck at continuing, but at least I'm starting them. I like to write. I think that's something I've forgotten recently, but I really do like to write.