Thursday was a day I suppose. Calm little lecture, did my dles, connections, the mini, globle all that, did some catching up on coursework and of course did not pay attention to the actual lecture whatsoever.

Magdalena Bay poster arrived. Picture frame arrived. That damn picture frame. Who woulda thought trying to make something level was this hard, there were two nails and you couldn't just hold it in place because of gravity so I had to just hammer the nail and estimate the distance from the first nail and also make it straight and level. It worked out though. I've been working it out in my head what my album of the year for 2024 is and I do think it would have to be Imaginal Disk. Though, I really do love I LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR YOU, Imaginal Disk has to edge it over personally.

Today I've been reading Bluebeard by Vonnegut. What a book, I almost forgot what it felt like to read for fun, and so quickly too! Must have read through 30 pages in under an hour. Not that I didn't enjoy Wretched of The Earth, its just that while I enjoyed it, and it was important, fun isn't a word I would use for it.

In other news, I am perhaps the brokest I've been since I started university, it's been a long time since there were only two figures in my bank account. Though, I can't complain too much, its my fault really, I overextended myself this year I guess, though I'm sure my wounds will be licked by my swag.

In other other news, the pipes in my house still aren't fixed. For context, a month ago the pipes next to the breaker which are connected to our kitchen sink started leaking and every time we use the kitchen sink, water dribbles out. The council sent someone to look at it and now we need another person to check if there's asbestos in our walls before they can try and fix it.

For some good news, I have completed one piece of coursework! In bad news, I still have three more.

You're not going to believe this but I really really think that my mental state is deteriorating rapidly.

I say this half in jest but only to thinly mask what I do truly believe is a slow decline in what I feel is any hope for a future of happiness. I've been required by my university to write a CV/resume, a cover letter and speculative email. Alongside that I've been made to attend careers events and apply to internships and work opportunities. The drudgery I've been forced to witness you will not believe. They even made me make a LinkedIn! Don't get me started on LinkedIn. The vain venture capitalist auto-fellating is in great abundance and I don't think I've ever hated like I hate LinkedIn.

The job search is a demon of its own. What a horrible, horrible thing. Every job that I see I do not like. There is only one thing I think I would enjoy doing. But, I can't do that. Can I? I often think about dropping out and following my dreams. I know myself, it would probably go horribly wrong but I think that just few a few months I would be happy.

I'll see this degree through, I have to. But damn, at some point I guess I'll have to reconcile with reality.

If you have been keeping up with my blog posts then this will feel like treaded water resurfacing once again, but truly I can not shake this feeling. Most days I say, I feel a warm mien of nonchalance. I wouldn't say I am happy per say, though I do get small bouts of happiness when the food is good or the video is funny but otherwise, nothing particularly good is happening. At the same time nothing bad is happening. Instead there is a loom. In the small distance it is there. I know its dumb to obsess over a future that is entirely uncertain and I'm sure that in time I'll get over it but for now its all I think of.

Funnily enough the journal entry I wrote about deleting too much I ended up deleting. I think I'll rewrite it, but I truly could not stand to look at it. All the others I'm fine with but I think I overcooked it.

I just bought a 1000 piece puzzle, all white, no picture no nothing. This came about after a friend bought a puzzle and I mentioned I wanted to do an all-white puzzle. To which he promptly challenged me to a race, his 3000 piece vs my all white 1000 piece. I've always wanted to do an all white puzzle after I saw they did it in Space Brothers. I did also say however, that I would finish it in one day and I haven't done a puzzle in years so I do think I have gotten myself into quite a predicament

I've been working on my website a lot. I thought that I'd work less on my website now that university is picking up but as it turns out its the complete opposite. Now that I have work and deadlines I'm doing anything but. I've cleaned my room 10 times, I've lain on my bed, mindlessly scrolling for god knows how many hours and I've been running everyday.

School work though? Not a bit. Well, maybe some. But not enough. Never enough. Its never enough. And it never stops.

Each day I spend looking at internships and graduate jobs I feel a bit of myself dying. Perhaps now, more than ever, I am cooked.

In other news, I started reading The Wretched of The Earth on the 1st of September. Today I have finished it. Really, the only reason I finished it, despite taking so long is because yesterday I decided that I needed to get this assignment done. Of course I did not do anything yesterday, but today I will! Today, instead I finished the last two chapters of the book, 50 pages worth, that at my previous pace, would take me well into the next year.

Originally I wasn't going to do a review of it, but all these months spent reading this, I figure I have to at this point. Of course though, if I don't get it done by next month consider it never happening.

Outside of that, nothing much has changed in my life, I made plans to hang out with a friend but when my lecture got cancelled I moved it to the other day when I do have lectures.

For some reason, going outside feels like such a hassle to me and whenever I do go out, I always prefer to do it all at once otherwise I feel like its inefficient or something. idk. I do like going outside, every time I go out I do enjoy it, but on the lead up it feels like I'd just rather stay at home and do anything else.

Somethings gotta give, maybe that'll be a resolution or something for next year. Make more plans to go out and don't cancel them. Yeah, why not.

The rigours of university are getting to me. My degree requires a lot out of me physically which I can manage but then I get home and have to deal with the daunting realisation of a backlog of work that I face, deadlines in the coming weeks, and lest I forget a second semester, birthed from hell itself, looming over me from the near future 10x worse than my current predicament.

All this work and for what? A degree I no longer have any love in, to work in an industry I will only begrudgingly tolerate?

If I want something more from life, something has to change. Once university is behind me I think I'll have to do some great introspection about what's next. For now, I'll continue to complain about deadlines and dissertations.

On Wednesday the day started off pretty good. Mid lecture I bought tickets to see Ichiko Aoba perform live! I've never been to a concert or a live show or anything of that nature so I wanted my experience to be a good one and bought a seat on the second row inspite of my current monetary issues.

Even though I told myself I need to save money until the beginning of next year, Ichiko Aoba might be the one person who I need to see live before I die.

After the lecture was over, I went to a farm about 2 hours away from London for a university project. I thought we'd just be there for half an hour and yet somehow it turned into two hours which caused us to miss the train which only comes round once every hour. For all my qualms about London transport, atleast it arrives frequently (sometimes).

Riding the train, I got some reading done, I'm still stuck on the same book I've been reading since September. As it turns out, I need my brain for Frantz Fanon and being half dead on the train means reading every page twice. I have been making steady progress but I want to read new books soon.

Thursday wasn't any kinder, once again for a different university module, I spent three hours spent out in the cold, half of that time spent having to listen to other members in my group arguing and not knowing what to do, all through this with an empty stomach.

Atleast I got my steps in.

Truthfully, none of this is a problem. Being out, walking, being cold, being hungry, I've done it before and I can do it again. The problem is what I'm doing it for.

Every day for this past week, I've woken up with a headache. I go to bed at 3 AM and I wake up at 11 AM, and while I get my 8 hours, they feel dirty. Like I've cheated myself out of rest and in retaliation my head pays the price.

It was reading week last week which meant no lectures. No lectures means no schedule and no schedule means I slip back into bad habits.

Its funny, this bed of mine which I love has brought me such misery yet I can't live without it. When I first came back from my trip in September I slept at 11 PM and woke up at 7 AM. It was beautiful rising with the sun. It didn't last more than a week. Now I don't know when I'll get that back.

When lectures start up tomorrow, I'll get up early, but I won't be awake.

I went to a careers guidance appointment today, and it was pretty helpful when it came to showing me what I could do with my degree but really, most of it just the advisor pulling up a graduate job and me saying, yeah I could work that job, but I wouldn't love it. Don't get me wrong, I can eke out a living with a job that I tolerate, but if I don't pursue my passions, it might be sooner rather than later a crash out of grand proportions.

Once I finished, I walked to a park near my uni campus for around an hour listening to Ichiko Aoba, invoking some good old 2019 nostalgia when I first found her and I did the same thing but at a park near my sixth-form.

My Blue giant omnibus came in today, volumes 1 and 2 and I'm really excited, blue giant is a great manga about a high school student who encounters jazz music and his journey along the way as music guides his path forward.

I have to admit it, I am slice of life pilled, I am. Silver spoon, space brothers, something about the sweet mundanity of reality entices me, not that I don't love a good fantasy or action, but the grounded, human story is what I love most.

I've always wanted to watch more movies but I never get around to watching them.

Recently my brother came back from his trip to Japan and brought back with him an art book about the making of the latest Slam Dunk movie 'The First Slam Dunk'.

As a big fan of Takehiko Inoue's work, I of course was excited to have it, but I still had yet to watch the movie. A few days ago, while I had free time, I seized the chance to load up The First Slam Dunk and spend my two hours watching it.

Its been a long time since I cried tears of joy, if ever honestly. Less so a wracking sob and more so beading tears rolling down my faces with a smile. Not that I didn't also cry when things got sad. Things do get sad.

The story beats, the animation, the temporal perspective changes, the pivots between the characters. Its a beautiful thing I have to admit. I love art, I truly do.