I've been going out on walks with my mother everyday at around 8 P.M since she left the hospital and I've been enjoying it quite a lot. Something really quite peaceful about walking in the evening as the sun sets with the summer breeze blowing softly against the fading heat, it feels truly tranquil, like this is what life should be.

In fact, I thought of you. While I walked alongside my mother, I thought of what to write on my blog, pieces of prose I would write, how I felt, I wish I wrote it down or put it on my notes app because its now 2 am and I've forgotten most of it, so I guess I'll say, today was a good day.

As the end of this month comes, marking the second month since I've started writing, I think I really don't regret doing this. Of course I'm always conscious of oversharing and I think if someone I know found out about it, that would be a nightmare, but, just writing brings me joy to my day and that is really what matters most.

To whoever's reading, have a good night, a good day, or a good evening.

I've spent an inordinate amount of time playing rimworld these past few days, enough so that it feels burned into my eyes. Even when I close them to go to sleep, all I see is rimworld. What a game. For the past week or so, I've just been playing rimworld for hours straight with Northernlion on my second monitor, I think I've reached peak unemployment.

I've been drawing a lot more recently, nothing big, animals, cups, things on my desk. Its always a great feeling when you're doing something and you can see or feel yourself getting better. Late last year, I always smudged when writing cause I'm left handed and when I got a fountain pen it got even worse. I decided to switch to underwriting and it was like resetting a whole lifetime of progress, my handwriting was abysmal. But after putting in the work and practicing my handwriting's even better than it was before (not that it was any good to begin with).

I never really expected this summer to be the summer I get into drawing, truth be told I wanted to practice getting better at the piano, my first ever paycheck, I spent it all on a Yamaha keyboard and its slowly been collecting dust. Maybe I'll take lessons, or maybe I just need to tough it out and force myself to practice, idk.

Anyways here are some pictures that I took of my Initial-D diorama that I thought looked cool.

I haven't been as good at updating compared to June, I guess when the excitement wears off and you spend most of your time on your computer doing nothing, there really isn't much to write about.

I posted in the journal today, originally I wrote it for the blog until I realised why exactly I created the blog. To inform, both you and me, I wanted a place where I could just write freely without thinking about my words and write in a far less sophisticated tone, or at the very least not stretch my vocabulary too far (although you already know we genuflect hard in this mf), and so off that blog post went to the journal and here I am drafting up a new one, preferable about real things that happened and less about abstract feelings.

Went to university for a meeting, the weather reflected how it went: dull, cloudy, and wet. Not so much wet, as more dull and cloudy. Although I guess it did feel wet. As in uncomfortable wet like a wet shirt sticking to your back wet. The meeting was definitely dull and cloudy.

I'm not excited about having to do work during the summer but, we ball regardless I guess, I just need to get this over and done with and then I can relax hard for a least a year before I think about my future proper.

I got another email from my university and have to schedule a meeting for next week. Now usually that would be another devastating blow to my already weakened mental state but no, the sun is out and I choose to be happy.

I think I've been cooped up in my room for too long, going outside today did a lot for me. I don't know what's in stall for me in the years to come but there's no use worrying about something I can't control. The sun is far too bright and the weather far too hot for me to let my unfettered mind bring me to places I don't need to be. The mango smoothie I just had was cold and refreshing, I think I'll go on a short run later and relax a bit more after a nice shower.

I didn't think it could get like this, I didn't think university could break me like this. I was dreading that email. I had put it off my mind but I knew it was coming ever since that meeting. That horrible meeting, that odious heat, the sweat that beaded from my head, those shattering words. I don't want to go to a farm. I don't want to record anything, I don't want to write anything, I don't even want to be here anymore. My mouth is dry. I agree with a smile, of course I'll meet you again I say. I said my goodbyes and started walking away. As soon as I was alone and out of sight I collapsed in on myself and stared at the cold hard ground. The weight of life has bore down upon me and I cannot persist for much longer.

2 weeks. 2 WEEKS. That's nothing, two weeks is nothing compared to the (hopefully) many years I've lived and will live, it's ephemeral. I know it's true and yet it doesn't make me feel any better. It is a two weeks that will be hell on Earth for me, a nightmare in reality.

don't know what to do anymore. I can't quit. I'm far too much in debt and far too invested to stop. I just have to keep going, I'm at the last sprint, but do I have enough in me to make it to the finish line?

Bought a fair amount of games this steam summer festival, most of them ended up being detective games as a result of my playing Obra Dinn and wanting something similar to it. Truth be told I probably wont play those games for a while. Just how it is, got a backlog that goes into triple digits that's accumulated over the span of a decade and I'm a notorious game unfinisher.

Recently I started Dredge, a dark, atmospheric fishing game and out of boredom I've been drawing the fish I catch on my notebook. I've been drawing a lot on my notebook, a small passport sized leather notebook by Traveller's Company, usually I use it for random things that I want to remember and handwriting practice but recently I've been drawing and doodling a lot more.

I saw a painting of a man that I thought was really neat and decided to try and do it on my own, of course without the painting.

First I tried to outline the shapes that I needed, I figured that if I could have a rough idea of where everything's supposed to be it would be a lot easier.

After that I started on the finer details, I must have erased his face a hundred times, I just could not for the life of me get it correct, eventually I settled on what I have now. It doesn't look like the picture, but it looks like a human and for me, that's enough.

Then I just went and did the rest of the body. I'm actually genuinely surprised by how well it turned out especially knowing that I haven't really sat down and just drew something out of a desire to draw instead of boredom since I was probably thirteen.

I ended up having a lot of fun, more than I expected, I could tell because usually I've got on a video or a stream on the background or maybe some background music but this time I just locked in and raw dogged this drawing. Maybe I should draw some more.

Haven't updated in a while cause I haven't really been doing anything these past days. I've been slowly working on a new books page for my website, trying to work out pixel art, I think for now its good enough and when I get better I can go back and add more onto it. Other than that nothing really new of note, there was the journal post that I think is my best one so far. I say this because it's the only one I can actually read without cringing, sometimes I feel like I write too much and I don't know where to stop, I think this one, albeit short, was sweet and succinct and got what I was feeling across.

Speaking of writing, I've been struggling with getting the toning of this blog page right. I feel like I'm too unnecessarily wordy and formal considering perhaps no other aspect of my life is like this, but wouldn't it be weird if I write how say I would on discord or in a groupchat or statuscafe? But it also feels like, at least for me, when I read it back, oddly cold, maybe its just me feeling a dissonance between my typical typing patterns and my writing on my website. I think after all, I'll keep writing how I'm writing, it'll be weird to +2 or lol out of nowhere.

It's been four days since I was at the gym and my arms are still pretty sore, I think next time I'll definitely stretch beforehand. I swear the day after I couldn't even lift my arms or keep them stretched out, it was rough.

Pretty excited today, two manga I ordered came in, REAL by Takehiko Inoue, one of my favourite manga and my personal favourite of his and Hirayasumi by Keigo Shinzo a relatively new slice of life manga that really resonated with me. If you haven't yet seen or read it, please, check it out. If you like slice of life manga I'm sure you'd love it.

Recently finished Return of the Obra Dinn, man, what a game. I loved the art style, but the actual gameplay and all the detecting was very well done too, the way the story unfolded bit by bit was beautiful and figuring out all the little things was challenging but satisfying.

Feeling inspired to create something for my website, something I've never done before, I'm not sure if I can pull it off or even have the willpower to see it through to completion, but this inspiration will only last so long so I figure why not, not like I got better things to do.

It seems this month is already looking better than the last, I finally finished the update to my website that I've been working on the past few days, my mother is recovering well and is out of the hospital, I went to the gym today for the first time in a year and reconnected with friends I haven't seen in over 2 years. My arms are absolutely dead, but I went home with a sense of purpose and fulfilment that I haven't had for a while, I showered early and hopefully I can fall asleep early.

I said I wanted to write something over this summer and I think I'm finally starting to make inroads in doing so about a good two months later since I first started, but better late than never. I'm not sure if I'll post it here, I think it might take a lot of willpower to do that, but I won't say that I'll never post it. I need to be better about writing, most times I write when I feel like it, which is almost always late at night when I'm too tired to think, I don't know how but I need to force myself to write just a little, day by day.