It's 4:30 PM and the Sun is setting, whatever light once was, is slowly seeping away. Looking outside my window, I noticed that the reflection from the lights inside my PC case were doubled as a result of the glazing. Laying listlessly atop my bed, feeling somewhat sick due to overeating too much too quickly, I bobbled my head back and forth trying to align the two reflections on the light. After around a minute of doing so, my eyes had come out of focus and in the corner of my vision, a lit window with the silhouette of a person-shaped entity seemed to look right at me. I stared for a few seconds, unable to register what I saw, before hurriedly shutting the curtains. I pulled back in quiet surprise. I decided to peak out once more, slowly opening the far side of the curtain in an attempt to be conspicuous, only to pull back even quicker, noticing that the silhouette still remained in frame.

I waited for a while before I checked back and the silhouette had finally disappeared and the light from that room turned to darkness. Got bored and drew my view once I saw that they were gone.

I, for some reason, felt that I should write about this. I don't know why.

Nothing else happened today. A friend propositioned in the group chat to make plans to go on a small trip, after this final semester to mark the end of university.

...Am I saying anything anymore?

I think I've come to accept that I wont experience Christmas the same way I experienced Christmas as a child, I've realised that, most of the 'Christmas spirit' came from school, the end of year plays, the final days before Christmas, now, Christmas is just a thing that exists, instead of what used to be a celebration for the winter break.

With that in mind, I think I feel better about Christmas, I don't care as much, but it is what it is.

I watched Fargo this morning, I figured, with the snow and all, it would be a good Christmas movie and although I'm not quite sure how Christmassy it is, it is a damn good movie.

I took two naps today, that's two more naps than I usually take.

I woke up in a pretty bad mood, sleeping at 4 am and waking up at 9:30, after lunch I took a nap for an hour and then tried to wake up before falling asleep once more.

Nothing's happening and I feel cogs in my brain grinding and turning. I have all these plans for the future, but nothing for the present.

I feel no Christmas spirit. Not that we really celebrate it, but we've got a tree up and some lights, presents and all that, some years I get swept up in the holiday spirit,this year, I feel none of it at all.

Perhaps it is partly my fault though, I haven't left my house in weeks, I was supposed to go to central London and see all the lights with my friends but then everybody had coursework and by the time we were free, no one wants to do anything anymore. Me included.

This Christmas isn't horrible, its just dull. Life has become incredibly dull. I'm trying to find an earnest love for reality but the monotony has superseded it all. Whatever happened to colour grading in modern movies, has seemingly happened to my life.

Its Christmas Eve and I'm looking at a job application portal, I used to dream of being an astronaut you know that?

Just six months. Six months and university is done, and I can move on with my life and have fun, and travel and do whatever I want for one year. Just one year, before they have their grips on me and I'm either back in the academic system or in the rotten claws of the labour market, just one year of freedom.

I'm running away, I know, but think of it this way, I'm prolonging my life, okay?

I woke up to a call from my father telling me to check his bed if he forgot something, he did. I'm not mad though. If he didn't call me, I wouldn't have ever gotten up.

So this is what its like to wake up early? Wow. I can sleep for 8 hours and wake up at 11 or 12 and feel horrible, but on only 5 hours waking up at 8 or 9 and I feel alive??

body is an interesting machine. And incredibly annoying. But hey, it can't be worse than the mind.

In other news, I finally added a new journal entry, probably the last of 2024, I don't know why I said probably, its definitely the last of 2024

One of the hardest things was trying not to start off my first sentence as 'When I was younger' or 'As a child' after I looked at my other journal entries and realised there seems to be quite the theme.

I won't speak of it more, it speaks for itself, feel free to check it out, and hopefully I won't hate it in a few days.

I'm not a spend-an-hour-in-bed-scrolling-on-my-phone-when-I-wake-up kinda guy, I'm a get-up-and-go kinda guy, and by get up and go, I mean I get up and spend an hour scrolling on my phone while going on the toilet.

My bad for that, it just appeared in my mind and I had to get it out, I blame northernlion.

At night I do what I call gallivanting, where I pace back and forth in my living room downstairs, mindlessly scrolling on my phone, listening to music or kicking a ball. At the very least while I'm slopmaxxing, I'm getting my steps in. By the way, I'm writing this just as I finished gallivanting.

Its not all bad though, a lot of good ideas and thinking come from gallivanting, but it does also mean I sleep at least an hour later than I really should be.

I've been sleeping at 4 am everyday since my last lecture. Its bad, life just doesn't feel real. I don't feel human, I don't do anything, I just exist.

I gotta get outside more. Maybe tomorrow I'll go on a walk, matter of fact, I will.

The Sun has set on the penultimate semester of my final year. The end is nearly there. In 6 months, I will have finished all my lectures and exams and all this will finally be over.

This semester, I've met some new people, though admittedly I do struggle keeping up with them and some I've only talked to once, exchanged instas and never spoke to them again, but some I do think are friendships. Thinking about the future, how do you make friends after university? Especially people my age, once university is gone, where the hell do I go? What do I do? I guess for now, I'll be grateful for the ones I have, and hope to make new ones while I'm still here.

Perhaps the biggest thing that happened to me this semester is that I took the leap and started submitting works of writing to my university's creative arts magazine. Who woulda thought, me?? Well... Yes! A fruitful semester I suppose. I did create it 3 hours before the deadline, and when I submitted it, I hated it, but seeing it formatted definitely got me smiling.

I've been doodling and drawing since I started back in the hospital all those months ago, these past couple of months I've just been trying to draw whatever I see and whatever I think looks cool. I even bought a sketchbook, but I mostly just use it for practice. I want to draw cool things but don't have the skills to draw them so I try to practice but when I practice I'd just rather draw the cool things... Well, everything in moderation I suppose.

I spent this day doing nothing, like many days before this one. Yet today, I feel no guilt.

I am free, only for a second, but all the combined love in the world has aligned just for this one second.

And I will squander it away, and I will be contempt because today, my bed feels nice, my coffee tastes good, and the rain sounds nice and peaceful as it hits the window in my room.